A clean heart, a heart of Gold

Although I no longer consider my self to be a Christian in today's understandings, I have my understanding of its various elements in my life. Today I was thinking about a heart of gold , I use to pray so much to have a heart of gold,a pure heart , a loving heart...a heart after Gods heart....and today I find myself repeating that same prayer. Two songs came to me ...refiners fire and create in me a clean heart.

Purify my heart Purify my heart dear God 
Let me be as gold and precious silver Let me be as Gold and precious silver, let me be as Erzulie 
Purify my heart Purify my heart oh my dear Loas 
Let me be as gold, pure gold Let my heart be purely you 
Refiner's fire Oh my dear Ogou! 
My heart's one desire The only desire of my heart
Is to be holy Is to be whole ....is to be whole 
Set apart for You, Lord....Set apart for you my Loas...not corrupted 
I choose to be holy....I strive to be whole 
Set apart for You, my Master....set apart for you my master ...my masters
Ready to do Your will....I am ready to do your will 
Purify my heart....I cry purify my heart! 
Cleanse me from within.....wash me cleanse me, do what ever it takes! 
And make me holy......and make me whole!
Purify my heart....purify my heart 
Cleanse me from my sin...cleanse me from everything within me that keeps me from being all that I should be! 
Deep within....go as deep as it takes!

Create in me a clean heart, oh God oh my Loas create in me a clean heart oh my Loas
And renew a right spirit within me Renew your Spirit within me 
Create in me a clean heart, oh God Create in me a clean heart oh my Loas 
And renew a right spirit within me Renew oh God, oh my Loas , renew your spirit within me 

Cast me not away from Thy presence, oh Lord Though I am ashamed , though I have shamed you, do not hide your presence from me 
Take not Thy holy spirit from me Do not take your loving spirit from me 
Restore unto me the joy of Thy salvation Restore back to me the joy of the spirit that saves me from me weakness...you deliver me from my shame 
And renew a right spirit within me...And renew your Spirit within me! ....Ayibobo! 

Forgiveness

Forgiveness ....
At one point I thought it was a weakness
but is was disillusioned by it being mixed with injustice
A loving father that can forgive a child
That is what my Obatala has done for me
He has given me another chance and has fought for me
He continues to teach me discipline and pride ...I am forever indebted to him ....my dear Obatala

Fear

Fear is our greatest enemy
It keeps up from making the progress we need to make
Fearing pain makes us dwell in pain
It is said to conquer fear we must face it
It is like we are entangled in fear
Fear keeps us from taking risks
Without risks there is no change, there is no progress
Fear keeps us from being our true essence
One must face their fears
Most of the time things are not as bad as you fear
Fear keeps us from love, the strongest force on earth
Fear drags us to be shameful beings, easily forgetful of the good in our lives
That is what fear does to us
I want to be fearless

True love comes with Daggers

Have you ever wondered why Erzulie Freda and Erzulie Dantor have daggers going through their hearts? Especially in Erzulie Dantor's Veve. True love comes with daggers. When you love, you have to learn to love with daggers in your heart, it is part of love, it comes with love. Loving with daggers loving though you may feel pain...loving until the pain is numb to you. loving even if it is senseless. Loving like you have lost your right mind. When we take a rose....we risk being pricked by its thrones...but a rose is not a rose without thorns. Eyes help us see beauty, pain.....eyes also release our tears. Both tears of love and pain. That is our heart it has so many functions. So many secret places,....it is a vast ocean. The heart is not immune  to daggers yet it is worth the pain. Sometimes you take a risk and you get hurt....but it is better to risk than not to risk at all. Love is always worth it!

To Mama Love

Mamma, I'm sorry for not loving the way I should. I'm sorry making progress and taking a step back. I know love is about risk, giving your heart despite it all. I want to love like that I want to love in spite of what know. I want to focus on what matters....I want to focus on love! Mama I really really want to do this beautiful Goddess of Love!Mama I need your strength! I need to I want to love as you love, I want to love like a true Queen.....a true Queen my dear mama. I want to grow I want to laugh I want to learn...I don't want to live the way I was before....I'm sorry Mama, I love you Mama. I know you are not happy with me right now....but I need your help teach me how to love as you love teach me to focus on what matter...I want to and I am putting in the effort....there is no going back...I can only live for love.

Negativity battle

Its funny that It is now in my life that I am trying to get over negativity. This is the time in my life when my life has been most positive! I have my soul mate, I am free of those who have tried to push me down and I am learning to be in harmony with nature.Yet negativity seems to want to creep into me. Its like I believe its to good to be true. There are always two sides to a coin and its like I always choose the ugly part instead of the beautiful part. Is this a safe place for me? why do I keep going back to this place?...is this how I protect myself from pain? do I fear pain....am I doing this out of fear? Maybe I know I fear to live the way I was living before my life was transformed. I was always in pain ,I was always sad, I was always bieng fake to those around me . I would give out my love and receive little in return. I was drained.; In the moment when I finally let go and let love....I am faced with a challenge...and I find myself quivering in that same corner of self pity, self blame, fear and pain. I am challenged to rise above it, but every time I take a step forward...the fear of being hurt creeps in inside of me and as a result I end up being more hurt and ashamed of myself. When you grow with the Ginen life is beautiful but it is definitely not easy. You may find yourself having to do things that are way out of line with the the times of the day....but it is a part of your growth, a part of your journey. You may be asked to be so selfless so that you can be a more better self.....but selflessness comes first....and I keep putting up my sheild...hiding and hurting...fearing...not allowing myself to love he way I should.

To put better in words lets put it in poem

This is a poem that I wrote...in the midst of a crossroads in my life...although I have learned that I have been at many many crossroads in my journey....crossroads are a part of life crossroads help you grow, though cross roads are not easy...they may come with nails and suffering....but you must get through the crossroads to resurrect...this is life's journey....here is a poem I wrote about a crossroads in my life. I believe I am still trying to resurrect but I know the butterfly will be formed.

Here I write I write I write I write

How do I begin

All the hateful words, the words, the mean menacig words

The words of disgust…Salop! Maledveux! Koken ! ring ring ring they ring ring ring

The disgust the disgust ….do you wanna begin there? ….The verbal lashings…. words to feed your nothingness into your cranium …feed nothingness into my cranium?

You ask me why, sigh within yourself, you ask me why why why

Well lets get to the twenty two years of sadness then we’ll address the madness

The lies the lies the lies fly across the stages of my mind lies lies lies, I’m swimming in lies swimming in lies…of love  lies of love, no wonder I never understood before!

Lies of love lies of love, all in a heap of lashing strong on the back leaving tender skin, leaving  shades of pink among the brown…, a slap for giving too much lip, a kick in the face while hovering on the bathroom floor….a kick In the face while hovering on the bathroom floor ….but still you insist you love you love you love …teach me its love its love its love its love discipline, protecting me from me, its love discipline protecting me from me.

Yeah no more lies from me today…..no more fake smiles from me today…..repeating the lies

Lies stripping of a root, stripping me of roots….roots. …. A tree grows strong cause of its roots, whats mine? Lies are my roots

You want to know why why why

Well then…where do we begin?

I hate to smear the lovely perfect picture painted in the glass eyes of your sockets…….lets start in the closet

Hovering, crying, hovering crying, feeling my own slaps to the face asking why.,,,,why can I never be good enough…..what a place to be…what a place to be for one only climbing Elementary

People are always quick to judge

Looking from the outside in, well let my sin be my honesty, since so long I’ve offered peace of mind…perfect Picassos …helping with the lie, yes let honesty be my sin ….let me be covered and washed all over by it…let it consume me

Consume me, that’s what the lie has been doing to me for the last twenty two …..pieces by pieces eating me up, eating me up…So let me be a summer for wanting to live to finally live to live in the truest purity of love , A love I’ve never felt in my life, a love that allowed me to break the chains of the lie that was eating me , consuming my heart from inside out

How Gullible was I, so trusting, still loving still trying to be your star, feeling the pains of the leather black belt slap my thighs …making pink amongst brown….yet I still wanted to be your star…………………………if only I was your star----- shine so brightt ….maybe then you would love me, maybe then your pride would make you love me ….how foolish I was to mix pride with love!

Finally I resolve to be your shme, I resolve to be your shame…I AM PROUD TO BE YOUR SHAME for it is there that my question was answered ...the question of your “love”….and the answer was cold, dark, ugly ….yet still there is a corner of my heart that still feels for you.

I can’t deny….You watered me, fed me, like a plant …I grew …but like so many do… watered without love

A plant giving love being drained of love giving beauty, radiating life, giving laughter…giving love ….but praying for your love praying the God you taught me to pray for your love, crying in the crinkles of the sheets of a bed  you make me feel I should be oh so thankful for

~ your words, words, worse than your beatings, but the words, those words and you get angry as I read my poems of sadness…Those words led me….led me …one day …one day your words almost stole life…stole my life ….liquid detergents to the lips …what saved me…the irony of the thought with slight sympathy for you and funeral expenses…..a whole summer spent reminiscing on the many many ways to die, Playing with death playing with death while handing out beautiful smiles and bubbly laughter…man what a house full of actors….I take my bow…collect the roses and squeeze my hands around the thrones, letting blood dripp…so releasing so releasing….left with scars…they  mirror my heart.

Sometimes I feel hatred, madness over my body…I breath, I breath….well at least I had found solace in this God you taught me to pray to …taught me to sing to …sing sad songs of sorrow to …keep my head bowed down…hands waving… This great God can numb the pain….numbs the pain…it numbs the pain ….sing songs of sorrow…worship the blue eyed Jesus staring at me from the wall…worship sing songs of sorrow it will numb the pain….my opium…sounds like Karl Marx huh….but more to mirco level of my life.

Love….Love…Love I’m a Child of love,…Mother nature heard my cries, my cries groaning deep inside me, the pain behind my shiniest smiles….the agony in my livliest laughter …somehow she felt me, she heard me ~ yes Ezili heard me….you can hate me for it….Ezili ….Ezili of love heard. She whispered Child who has not known love, I will show you the truest love …I am love …I will take you to love…. and as I felt it …his caring eyes so full of her, his hands soft and as gentle as she, a heart so pure in such an ugly world , in a distorted world… a heart so full of her…..a smile with her purest truth~

My body backfired…trembled in agony …the poison in me did not recognize this, this , this was unlike its regular doses of lies …I trembled my heart rumbled inside of me …..I wailed I shook I trembled in his arms, the child of Ezili, I shook, I shook, I trembled, I cried, I cried, he held me,  held me, a hold so unrecognizable to me.. I wailed as I remembered it all….how I have been cheated! He holds me close as I scream …scream at him for everyone elses lies ….I scream, cursing, crying, body against himwhile he holds on, soaked shrit full of mucus spit and tears…he holds on letting me he is forever he is forever.

He loves he loves he loves, I cry …I’ve given up all my love to the undeserving ! I am drained , I have no more strength left to love ….i have no more….he waits…he waits….he digs deeper ..I try…I see his purity, his truth…I try…I dig ,,,I dig to the farthest deserts of my heart trying to find the fertile land where love may be but its hiding hiding …hating me, hating me for letting it be abused, over and over, it hides in dreadful fear.