Here I write I write I write
I write
How do I begin
All the hateful words, the
words, the mean menacig words
The words of disgust…Salop!
Maledveux! Koken ! ring ring ring they ring ring ring
The disgust the disgust ….do
you wanna begin there? ….The verbal lashings…. words to feed your nothingness
into your cranium …feed nothingness into my cranium?
You ask me why, sigh within
yourself, you ask me why why why
Well lets get to the twenty
two years of sadness then we’ll address the madness
The lies the lies the lies
fly across the stages of my mind lies lies lies, I’m swimming in lies swimming
in lies…of love lies of love, no wonder
I never understood before!
Lies of love lies of love,
all in a heap of lashing strong on the back leaving tender skin, leaving shades of pink among the brown…, a slap for
giving too much lip, a kick in the face while hovering on the bathroom floor….a
kick In the face while hovering on the bathroom floor ….but still you insist
you love you love you love …teach me its love its love its love its love
discipline, protecting me from me, its love discipline protecting me from me.
Yeah no more lies from me
today…..no more fake smiles from me today…..repeating the lies
Lies stripping of a root,
stripping me of roots….roots. …. A tree grows strong cause of its roots, whats
mine? Lies are my roots
You want to know why why why
Well then…where do we begin?
I hate to smear the lovely
perfect picture painted in the glass eyes of your sockets…….lets start in the
closet
Hovering, crying, hovering
crying, feeling my own slaps to the face asking why.,,,,why can I never be good
enough…..what a place to be…what a place to be for one only climbing Elementary
People are always quick to
judge
Looking from the outside in,
well let my sin be my honesty, since so long I’ve offered peace of mind…perfect
Picassos …helping with the lie, yes let honesty be my sin ….let me be covered
and washed all over by it…let it consume me
Consume me, that’s what the
lie has been doing to me for the last twenty two …..pieces by pieces eating me
up, eating me up…So let me be a summer for wanting to live to finally live to
live in the truest purity of love , A love I’ve never felt in my life, a love
that allowed me to break the chains of the lie that was eating me , consuming
my heart from inside out
How Gullible was I, so
trusting, still loving still trying to be your star, feeling the pains of the
leather black belt slap my thighs …making pink amongst brown….yet I still
wanted to be your star…………………………if only I was your star----- shine so brightt
….maybe then you would love me, maybe then your pride would make you love me
….how foolish I was to mix pride with love!
Finally I resolve to be your
shme, I resolve to be your shame…I AM PROUD TO BE YOUR SHAME for it is there
that my question was answered ...the question of your “love”….and the answer
was cold, dark, ugly ….yet still there is a corner of my heart that still feels
for you.
I can’t deny….You watered me,
fed me, like a plant …I grew …but like so many do… watered without love
A plant giving love being
drained of love giving beauty, radiating life, giving laughter…giving love
….but praying for your love praying the God you taught me to pray for your
love, crying in the crinkles of the sheets of a bed you make me feel I should be oh so thankful
for
~ your words, words, worse than
your beatings, but the words, those words and you get angry as I read my poems
of sadness…Those words led me….led me …one day …one day your words almost stole
life…stole my life ….liquid detergents to the lips …what saved me…the irony of
the thought with slight sympathy for you and funeral expenses…..a whole summer
spent reminiscing on the many many ways to die, Playing with death playing with
death while handing out beautiful smiles and bubbly laughter…man what a house
full of actors….I take my bow…collect the roses and squeeze my hands around the
thrones, letting blood dripp…so releasing so releasing….left with
scars…they mirror my heart.
Sometimes I feel hatred,
madness over my body…I breath, I breath….well at least I had found solace in
this God you taught me to pray to …taught me to sing to …sing sad songs of
sorrow to …keep my head bowed down…hands waving… This great God can numb the
pain….numbs the pain…it numbs the pain ….sing songs of sorrow…worship the blue
eyed Jesus staring at me from the wall…worship sing songs of sorrow it will
numb the pain….my opium…sounds like Karl Marx huh….but more to mirco level of
my life.
Love….Love…Love I’m a Child
of love,…Mother nature heard my cries, my cries groaning deep inside me, the
pain behind my shiniest smiles….the agony in my livliest laughter …somehow she
felt me, she heard me ~ yes Ezili heard me….you can hate me for it….Ezili
….Ezili of love heard. She whispered Child who has not known love, I will show
you the truest love …I am love …I will take you to love…. and as I felt it …his
caring eyes so full of her, his hands soft and as gentle as she, a heart so
pure in such an ugly world , in a distorted world… a heart so full of her…..a
smile with her purest truth~
My body backfired…trembled in
agony …the poison in me did not recognize this, this , this was unlike its
regular doses of lies …I trembled my heart rumbled inside of me …..I wailed I
shook I trembled in his arms, the child of Ezili, I shook, I shook, I trembled,
I cried, I cried, he held me, held me, a
hold so unrecognizable to me.. I wailed as I remembered it all….how I have been
cheated! He holds me close as I scream …scream at him for everyone elses lies
….I scream, cursing, crying, body against himwhile he holds on, soaked shrit
full of mucus spit and tears…he holds on letting me he is forever he is
forever.
He loves he loves he loves, I
cry …I’ve given up all my love to the undeserving ! I am drained , I have no
more strength left to love ….i have no more….he waits…he waits….he digs deeper
..I try…I see his purity, his truth…I try…I dig ,,,I dig to the farthest
deserts of my heart trying to find the fertile land where love may be but its
hiding hiding …hating me, hating me for letting it be abused, over and over, it
hides in dreadful fear.
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